Graham Barker, R.I.P.

I've to bring you the sad news that Graham Barker, whom we'd hoped was not dead, is.

Graham lived in Hebden Bridge, known as the lesbian centre of the north, although to the best of my knowledge he was not one himself.

It is wholly typical of the man that his efforts in co-authoring 'Penis Pending' should be hidden from plain sight, modest as he was and so quick to duck below the parapet.

We shall miss him, as co-author Colin Hilton says here:

This is not only a personal tragedy for friends and colleagues of Graham, but an extraordinary setback in our hopes of tracing an original copy of the ebook that may serve as a lasting memorial to us both... hopefully not for a while. As with the bass belonging to Sir Paul, therefore, as a tribute to Graham we throw the search out to an adoring public. Do you have a copy of the ebook in your loft, or know someone who might have? Do it for Graham. Do it for me. Do it for a simple love of literature.

Penis Pending

The only surviving image of the original cover

Inspired by the recent search for Paul Mc Cartney's original Hofner bass, I've set out to see if I can find an original copy of my final ebook much as Harrison Ford might, but in Skelmersdale instead of Petra.

As a first step I unearthed the best image out there before forwarding it to some of the best antiquarians in Oxford at the university's Bodleian Library. They have made a magnificent job of restoring the cover, which if you print out you may only handle with the white cotton gloves available on our merch pages.

These guys are used to interpreting stuff like the Dead Sea scrolls else the Rosetta Stone, and they have pointed out that ~ in the way there are doubts about who wrote what in the New Testament ~ authorship is unclear.

What we do know is that the original ebook will have been published in Aramaic in the year 2007, having been dictated ny Colin Hilton before he would be crucified in an inverted position.

Later it would be attributed to a Colin Barker as appears here:

https://search.worldcat.org/title/Penis-pending-:-world's-wackiest-sex-toys!/oclc/191856166

Later again, following errors in the original's restoration the work is attributed to a G. Bakerer and A. C. Milton. The latter is thought to be a distant relative to 'The Swan of Avon', which is not actually a pub.

As a part of our researches we are reaching out to Graham Barker, who is known to have co-authored the work, in the hope he is not dead as he may be in possession of the original text (if not a good fortune).

The restored cover appears below in every detail, though experts now agree on the following:

(a)    The coffee-stained outline of the base of Colin's mug is missing

(b)    The content of the Post-It note has been altered

(c)    There was no reference to a free condom on the original

(d)    The condom wrapper was open on the original, implying use.

(e)    The text 'Seal this in envelope' was likely added by Colin Barker.

The 'Bodleian Codex' restoration

A Letter to My Publishers

I have redacted the names to protect the innocent, although they will be available here upon release in thirty years time in line with our current policies... although I won't.