Alton Towers' Nemesis #9: Let Me Entertain You

Check the 'Small Claims' procedure at County Court, which suggests we pursue all avenues to peace prior submitting the form online.

The way business works in the UK is that the corporates settle out of court, though where's the fun in that?

Our aim here is to extract £299's worth of entertainment at Blackstone's expense, given the cash is invariably going in the opposite direction. In fact at Robin Hood's 'Prince of Thieves' ride at the Towers, the emphasis is on stealing from the poor to give to the rich.

On reason I'd do it however is stems from the moniker Elon Musk awarded our PM for his handling as Director of Public Prosecutions and subsequent, which broadly exposes bias against people who are (a) old and (b) white... so that for instance at protests against fossil fuels or Israeli efforts in the Middle East, he's had a penchant for jailing retired colonels, vicars or people older than your granny.

For this reason if none other, he's the only leader of our country I've ever known to be greeted by chants of 'Keir Starmer's a wanker' at whichever football ground he attends in the effort to appear working-class.

There is a classic line in 'Blackadder' where 'Mad King George' (played by House's own Hugh Laurie in a comic role) says his people love him, shouting 'We hail you, George, we hail you' ...

... to which Lord Blackadder replies, 'We hate you, George, we hate you'.

Nonetheless we must move on, as there's more to life than politicking.

For instance I've a funeral to go to, and that's a part of life too.

Alton Towers' Nemesis #8: Black Arts

You don't have to dig very deep to discover that ultimately Alton Towers theme park is owned by a company notorious in the US for buying up property and then kicking its working-class tenants out onto the street.

It's something they could consider for the town-square... a themed activity where the kids are all given a house and a cost-of-living bag of sweets, and get ejected by people dressed as bailiffs if they don't give them back.

Worryingly they've started buying up properties on the sly in the UK, which two-tier Kier's Labour Party will be all for... what with it penalising labour.

There is some confusion betwixt BlackRock and Blackstone: pop them both into your 'Evil Bastards' folder.

The UK headquarters is in Poole, and one day I might take you there.

It's lovely, and a nice place for a Black Wedding.

Liking that 'Widespread Social Fiction', which could surmount the entrance at Alton Towers the way 'Arbeit Macht Frei' hung over the entrance to Auschwitz. Bit harsh for a kid's theme-park?

Alton Towers' Nemesis #7: TripAdvisor

Lovin' the fact that either the 'bots or the moderators at TripAdvisor highlighted this as a top tip. In fact if everyone did it we could bring down 'Faulty Towers' overnight.

Alton Towers' Nemesis #6: Trustpilot

Altogether delighted with the negative tone of this review... something I could do for a living, although I spin in either direction unlike the rides at Alton Towers that frequently don't spin at all.

Trustpilot is the go-to website for dependable reviews and originated as I recall in Holland, where they've an elevated view of what counts in society. Were it based in the US, you'd know that it had been bought out by a corporate and biased to their own ends in contrast.

Notable the fact that practically two-thirds of visitors rate the Towers 'one-star' tho' you have to balance that against the fact that most doing the reviewing will likely be sad bastards like me who are tired of life in general.

I have though down-rated Google's own reviews accessible via their maps, if only due the fact it is swamped by any number of posts, any number of which might be filed by people paid to do so by the corporates concerned and seemingly sustaining whole villages in the Punjab.

I recall reading a how-to guide to success that originated as they all do in the US, and it recommended among other advice being 'racket-free'. By this I think they meant don't go off on personal crusades like this one here, but then my view is that life is a lot more than success.

Mental-health issues among youth in particular ~ according to the companies trying to get them to work ~ stem from the fact that social media leads them to think that life is easy and the riches that will eventually make them happy are just around the corner.

But life is not like that, and most of us never will see success of any sort and then it's all over (he writes, enroute to a funeral, where it should perhaps be me doing the orating).

In fact Alton Towers I feel taught my son a lesson, and the lesson is that on entry it is all pastel shades, sunshine, and happy people going about their crime-free lives in a place that looks like the Truman Show and then the power fails and you realise it's all run by adults who are as dumb as you are, if not dumber, leading you to the conclusion that existence is a vale of sorrows... as religion has tried to tell us for millennia prior to Facebook.

I should be running the Towers. In place of the 'David Walliams' zone I'd have the 'Schopenhauer Experience' where the ride enters the magic mountain only to stop in the dark to ask the children whether, seriously, they were happy ever to have been born.

You'd then go to Guest Services, who'd pretend to refund your money and tell you to 'fuck off and never come back'.

I'd love it.

Alton Towers' Nemesis #5: Jaw-Jaw Better than War-War?

I am pulling out all the stops to ensure a peaceful resolution to the conflict in Staffs and reach out to writer and actor David Walliams through his talent agency. I point out that in the event of conflict I view 'The World of David Walliams' as a legitimate target. I would provide the text here, except I cleared the cache... a court-marshal offence.

Alton Towers' Nemesis #4: Shock and Awe

Take a leaf out of Arthur Harris's playbook and carpet-bomb the platforms, following up the Google review with scathing feedback on both Trustpilot and TripAdvisor.

'We shall fight them on the Congo River Rapids, we shall fight them in the Katanga Canyons and in the Forbidden Valleys, in the Guest Services and the gents toilets... we shall never surrender.'

Alton Towers' Nemesis #3: Global Reach

In a scene that really may have been taken anywhere in the Donbas I set up Apple's fearsome 12-inch artillery piece for the opening salvo. With unlimited range and a muzzle velocity of some 186,000 miles-per-second, it is capable of firing Trustpilot, TripAdvisor or Google Reviews at a rate of ten an hour.

In this instance ~ which in time will be compared to the Nazi shelling of Gydnia in Poland ~ I authorised a high-impact review in the shape of an A4-printable Google, with the setting at 'one star' and screen pitched to 75° following the 'one-third' rule applied to mortars.

Subsequent, I wait anxiously in the situation room whilst trying to look as much like President Obama as is possible.