'Gentleman, you're very welcome on board. My name's Colin Hilton and as the captain today I shall be flying you from here on the ground with the assistance of my co-pilot, First Officer Futaba. Our flight is expected to take just fifteen minutes today and at a cruising altitude of around fifteen feet, with the weather conditions fine throughout. So now is the time to sit back, relax and enjoy the service as I hand you over to the cabin crew, led this morning by Sven.'
'Gentleman, I shall be responsible for your welfare today and if I could ask you to take a moment to put down your phones, as safety here at TELEDRONE is a close second to getting rich quick. Your lap-strap is fastened, adjusted and released like this (hold up strap) and there are four emergency exits, one at the front, one at the rear and one to either side (show with hands). In the unlikely event of landing on water, your seat-cushion is available as a flotation aid.'
'For your comfort and convenience, all our premium class seats are height adjustable in order to afford the maximum leg-room from the propellers. If you wish to raise your seat prior to the flight, please alert one of the crew to the fact that you need screwing (pause for laughter). Snacks are available before take-off, and toilets to coincide with your in-flight movie, Free Willy.'
This project is going to kill me off long before I get airborne, and watching Netflix of an evening I wish people would stop living useful and rewarding lives. Saw one yesterday about Polish film-maker Tony Malik, though turns out besides a prize documentary-maker he was a prize bull-shitter, never actually having flown in the RAF... which made me feel a lot better.
For the adjustable legs of the seating arrangement I've gone strictly commercial off the shelf, with a four-set of kitchen-cabinet feet, which at £4 under-cuts the height-adjustable Airbus pilot-seat by a considerable margin.
I was thinking to underpin the seat with a false floor to further protect Monty's lower limbs, but I figure ~ along with a five-point harness ~ that it's surplus to requirements.
Test-pilot's furious at concession to budget. 'It's my cock on the block here, guys!' he shouts as he storms out of the meeting.
