Introducing a new feature to the 'blog, the first in a series of one in which I take you by the virtual hand for a walk-through among Britain's most famous features, country towns and attractions. Many of you around the world will not be so lucky as I am in being able to hop into an eco-friendly vehicle to navigate the highways and by-ways of this wonderful land but... don't worry, we've got you covered!
Accordingly sit back, relax and let the captain guide you among the streets and back passages of Hereford, the county town of Herefordshire. If you ever need to guess a county town, incidentally, simply drop the 'shire' off the end of it and you're there!
We stayed at the historic Green Dragon Hotel in the heart of town, didn't we, which I prefer to the riff-raff at the Premier Inn ~ this one full of widows, vicars, retired colonels and weirdos like me. Nell Gwen stayed here with the king, so I checked the bed for stains. They still have a letter of complaint from Sir Edward Elgar, and out the back you can see where once were kept coach and horses!
From the hotel it's a short walk to the bridge across the River Wye, which floods to the base of its parapets periodically. It appears the years 1946, '47 and '48 were a real pisser, although 1998 was even worse, the river returning for an encore!
Re-tracing our steps back toward the centre of town, here a home for retired nurses provided by a local philanthropist. Nowadays as they are thrown on the scrap-heap instead the building is fallen into disuse, but is listed due its heritage until such time as a teenage vaper sets fire to it!
A delightful view of the cathedral that they started building nearly a thousand years ago, and the builders have said they'll be back next month to finish it. It contains a 'chained library' that was implemented to stop people from nicking the books, and it also contains a copy of the Mappa Mundi: one that you'd not want loaded into your sat-nav any time soon!
No high street would be complete without an Oxfam shop full of tat, although I felt obliged in this case to add 'Shags locals in places like Haiti' to that list of to-dos in a permanent marker!
This nice man was clearly foreign as he knew how to play the accordion. He wasn't overly keen on a pic ~ in case I guess he thought the revenue might have advanced to facial recognition ~ but he had to relent when I pointed out I'd given him 50p. Afterwards he was kicked senseless by Immigration and Customs in flak jackets!
Nonetheless the sound of the accordion supplied a gay backdrop to the atmosphere at the street market, depicted here. The space is reserved for pedestrians, the car here only being used to take out as many as possible, as is the tradition nowadays!
Nothing I like more than a bit of mongery in public, and all hail to this example a little further beyond the street-market. What I like even more is the fact that have not even bothered to put the name up there. It may well feature on Google's maps but you can check that for yourself!
Herefordshire is famous for its cattle and there's a life-size statue of the eponymous bull at the tail-end of the market. Frankly if I had a scrotum that size I'd spray it in gold and walk around with no trousers on all day. Most statues round the world are burnished gold in parts ~ the mannekin's penis in Brussels for instance ~ a trend we could extend to this guy's meatballs!
Nothing I like more than a gaily-coloured eatery, of which Hereford has many and among them this one containing tapas. Ole!
Beyond the market-place is a modern shopping-mall that includes a public lavatory in its multi-storey. To access it requires an elevator announcing 'Have a nice day!' as you enter it, though I'd have preferred something culturally relevant like 'Stop dicking around and get a move on!'. Free however and a delightful amenity.
You can drink coffee in Hereford and do so sat on a Vespa, though the word means 'wasp' in Italian and you don't want a scrotum anywhere near one of those during a cappuccino!
There are seagulls in Hereford as elsewhere though this one has shit himself waiting so long for a smashed avocado on sourdough!
I prevailed upon a young lady to take this 'portrait of the author as a young man' as I stood next to someone who fought in WW1... and I thought they were shorter in those days? Anyhow he had to put up with being gnawed by rats whilst sleeping in a trench full of water, and in fairness my latte could have been hotter!
Reason for me being here being to take the long view when it comes to a university that junior can attend, although I'd been disappointed by the scarcity of young folk lying wasted on the streets at break of day. This is the country's newest, the New Model Institute for Technology and Engineering, me here for open day. Doing great things, though I'd prefer a higher class of biscuit at the intro! Asked 'Why Hereford?' it's because they never had one, which is reasonable!
It was an exciting day to be here as the match at the football stadium must be won in order to assure the club's survival in the Northern Premier Football League. Why it is in the Northern and not the Southern is a mystery, though they told me it was something to do with the chairman, who got rich at Red Bull Racing and gets to pick and choose who goes where... and the Northern is the second oldest league!
Here advertised on the wall of the stadium itself, a reminder that whilst you've got Taylor Swift, we've got the Mindboggler. I gave him five pounds and he told me I was thinking of the one on the left in K-Pop Demon Hunters, whom I'd like to shag. Amazing!
Ed. We apologise for the excess use of exclamation marks in the text, this merely a desperate attempt by the author to whip up a little enthusiasm.
